I Choose the Detour

Some hardships are easier to take than others. As an optimist, I believe that hardships are disguised blessings although I am reasonable and rational enough to understand that the loss of someone dear can never ever be regarded as such. However, even then there are lessons to be learnt.

My hardship arrived yesterday. My husband called and said he had had chest pains at work, and was out of breath and that the walk-in surgery had advised him to go to the A&E for checkups 'just in case'. A million thoughts in my head, I rushed to my friend's house, dropped off our son, and speedily went to join my husband at A&E. I must concede that the fact that he was asked to go there on his own in the first place sans ambulance did give me the relief that he was in fact OK and that they just wanted to make sure that his chest pains were a kind of muscle spasm unrelated to any out of frenzy heart episode. Basically, not the beginnings of a heart attack.

As soon as I saw his face I knew we were going to be OK. Thankfully all was confirmed to be exactly so from the blood tests and ECG. However, was that the end and we could put this behind us, maybe have a laugh about it over a nice bottle of wine at the weekend? Somewhere in the deepest recesses of my being I knew a whole new realm had just been created. Or had it been there all along? Are you born with it and is it programmed to launch on a certain date, at a certain age, or could you miss it altogether? Is it on a timer? What am I talking about? That horrible new untraveled world of "What ifs and Then whats". I was more terrified of being in that world than I had been rushing madly to meet my husband a while ago. What if? Two words that kept on and on in my head all night. What if? What if? What if? And Then What?

I will repeat myself now: I am an optimist. I honestly believe in my heart of hearts that this was a blessing in disguise. A path had been presented to us as a family to broach the subject of death. To discuss unnerving issues of putting papers in order, contacting lawyers and having all in order in case we were faced with life's inevitable what ifs. It was also a clear blessing to stop and turn inwards. To get personal with oneself and to scrutinize. Was he that out of shape? When had that happened? He was always athletic. He still plays football with our son. When had it all slipped? When had we allowed our unhealthy lifestyle to take over bringing out fears we never even knew we had. Oh God, could it be me next time?

We are here now. We are left with no choice. We have been presented with a blessing (or warning?) that we must not fail to be thankful for. A chance for an overall look at where we've arrived and whether that is where we want to keep heading. I choose the detour.